Lately I've been having issues. I always do. But this time, I feel alone. That protection I'm afraid of not having feels gone. Gone and I'm left bleeding, scared. Numb and I feel like no one is there to listen, truly listen to me. Truly see me, not the glaze I put over myself to make me appear somewhat normal, but really see my heart. Really even want to. Does anyone? I don't even know if I want to. Because that requires hurt. Hurt. I've had my share. And I just want to be...
But then again... I wouldn't trade my hurt or pain for anything. I need it just like my immune system needs sunshine. But why must it...hurt? Why must I face it all alone? No big strong man to protect me anymore. I have to now.
So why, tell me why, do you talk of your father as if you were annoyed he wouldn't let you do the things you wanted to. Or think how awkward he is, how uncool. Wearing his long white socks underneath his sandals. Why do you say those things? What if he died, would you be feeling the same way? It angers me.
Why do you stare at me so? Call me quiet, reserved? Cast your stones, but you don't wear my chains. You don't know me. You don't even want to. Even the people that do know about my story, they hardly ever talk about it to me. I feel like I have to forget. It's all a memory that's fading, but I have to be a part of the croud, smiling, laughing with you. Be like you, or you're uncomfortable.
Yes, I hear you say I'm beautiful. You say my hair looks good or my clothing. But my heart is lost in my face. In my looks, my personality. Where is my heart, anyway? Does anyone even care about it? I know my daddy did. But he's gone, and I feel like nothing without him. Just a forced strong, bigger version of the twelve-year-old me.
Step out. It hurts. Love. But what if no one is there? What if no one can catch me if I fall down again? I can't bear that again. I was made for more than this, but I'm having the hardest time knowing that. You see, I don't know if I'm good enough for this. I feel alone in this battle, and broken without support. But I know it's not true, it just feels true.
All I want is to know if you're on my side. The fact remains that I am made different by this. But I feel only half myself without him.
Such wisdom when you say you know it's not true, it just feels true. Our feelings are so powerful at times that they can manipulate us. Your heart is what's beautiful and protected. I imagine your father prayed mightily for you before his passing, and those eternal prayers outlive his physical existence here. I was very sick when Megan was a baby, and I often took comfort in that as I prayed for her. Those who are with you and are so many, and while they can't replace your loss, I hope miracles of love will carry you.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth it. You are not worthless. Peace be with you, mighty sister. Mighty daughter of God.
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